Death Note: A Spandex Opera
by AcerbusEquinomin56
Summary: L has an idea to find Kira that'll push the whole team to their limits!


Hello, Infernum here standing in at introductor for Acerbus who, though willing, is not able to post this himself. So I'm doing it for him, He might eventually get on and edit this and take me out so enjoy me while you can!

I think this is one of his newer works, being a serious foray into humor and I feel the need to mention that Acerbus is a John Waters fan. As such, he finds Divine as adorable as any of her other fans and cross-dressing is as hilarious as ever. If you don't like it, suck it.

I actually really like this one (which is why I'm posting it first, duh.) and I hope you all like it too, be sure to review on how you like it too!

Infernum Out.

L sat quietly tapping his fingers on his desk. He had been doing so for about an hour. He stared blankly at a half-eaten piece of cake. It sat there innocently, but L seemed to scrutinize it as if it was Kira. Perhaps he was becoming a little paranoid that he even suspects pastries of being malevolent. Needless to say, the other members of the task force were beginning to worry about him. He usually sat thinking anyway, but he would at least eat the cake that had been purchased that morning for him, but now he wasn't and they were half scared and half pissed.

Matsuda muttered under his breath, "That cake was very expensive, considering how much fucking icing I had to have put on it. He had better eat it or I'm going to shove every damn crumb up his…Oh, hi Light." Matsuda had cut off his near silent tirade when he noticed Light walking close toward to him. Light had also been very quiet over the past few days, but not as quiet as L. After all, Light had to keep his cover. In reality, Light was simply thinking of ways to both kill L and to read his mind. He was also thinking of what he was going to have for dinner that night, but since that isn't really important, I'll just skip that.

Light didn't answer, but just kept mumbling to himself. Matsuda sighed and watched Light walk by. Matsuda resumed his rant with a new topic. "God, why does that bull-shitter have to have such a great ass? Why won't you take me Light? Why?" Matsuda burrowed his head in his hands. The clock ticked loudly and drew closer to three. L slammed his hand on the table and frightened half the people in the room half to death.

"I've got it!" L shouted. He stuffed the other half of the piece of cake in his mouth as the others slowly fell from their state of shock. Matsuda blushed to see the empty plate. He sighed again with the air of a school girl and thought back to his drag days. He smiled. L ignored him.

L continued with his exclamation. "I've had a hunch that Kira has still infiltrated the task force even with the security. I've finally thought of something that will draw Kira out." L smiled proudly as he leaned back in his chair. Everyone else leaned forward to listen to the rest of L's expected speech. Light leaned in closest. L went on. "I've noticed that Kira must win. That is a given, but since he loves winning, it must also mean that he is very prideful, so what is the best way to draw out prideful people? You embarrass the heck out of them. I've thought of the perfect way." Light frowned. He hadn't foreseen this. What could L be thinking? L whispered. "An Opera is the perfect way. The first one who cracks is Kira. Here are everyone's parts." L handed out the pieces of paper. He shouted at once, "Start practicing!"

Light looked at his part in disbelief. He was to play a pantyhose penny merchant. He sighed and bowed his head. He would get L for this. L clapped his hands after about ten minutes. "Okay everyone, get ready, you're going downstairs and are going to perform this on the street." Everyone's jaws dropped. This would not end well.

Light stood on the street. There was no telling how much he hated L for this, especially considering that L had provided costumes. Light knew that he could tolerate the bright colors and the vest, but the pantaloons, plumed hat and buckled shoes were far too much. The others weren't very happy either. Matsuda was dressed in drag. He looked very natural for some reason and was severely reminiscent of Janis Joplin in black leather. Light's father wore a white spandex disco suit and four foot elevator shoes. He had trouble balancing on the stilt like things, but somehow managed. The huge brown aphro wig was the worst part of all. The others also wore suits decked with frills, ribbons and poles. Matsuda stepped forward to the already building and laughing crowd. He had to start the play/ opera. He opened his mouth and tried to sing, but what came out was this:

_Oh, Spandex, Spandex, I need spandex!_

_No, not rubber or rayon or latex,_

_Not a condom, or Playtex, _

_But I need spandex!_

_Someone must have some,_

_That marvelous stuff,_

_Sticks like gum_

_And incredibly rough._

_Tight like a tongue lock,_

_Thick like a gasp,_

_Straps down a cock_

_In its leather clasp._

_God, I love spandex,_

_Where the hell is the spandex?!_

_Not chex mix or Tex Mex,_

_Not a towel or a Kleenex,_

_I need some fucking spandex!!!_

Matsuda stopped to catch his breath. He then sighed and noticed L glinting a butter knife in the window. He noticed L's grin as he slowly tilted the metal object back and forth. Matsuda turned to the crowd and began sweating. IT was hot and he was wearing leather.

_Let me tell you a little of my life,_

_I've been with perverts and pimps and the rest,_

_But I've never been a guest_

_For they all never used crest_

_And only wanted my…_

_I needed a change,_

_Not this sadly happy strife _

_It was a life of danger_

_And it never was a test,_

_But I found it the best_

_To be undressed_

_And always stay pissed!_

_For I could be deranged_

_For I would fight,_

_They all wanted me changed_

_And not be a hermaphrodite._

_When I wanted to flex,_

_They wanted a bite,_

_They became an ex_

_And I became a dyke,_

_But I must say,_

_Every day,_

_I miss that spandex,_

_That glorious spandex,_

_Always in texts_

_That beautiful spandex_

_I need some fucking spandex!!!_

It was at this point that Light had met his time to play the part. He stepped forward and tried his part. "Sir," Matsuda interrupted. "It's Mam." They continued:

_Sir!_

_Mam!_

_Sir!_

_Mam!_

_I don't give a damn, for I have sold all of my glorious spandex! _

_A gentleman with large hair bought it last year._

_I have a feeling of the mischievous hex,_

_That you're about to cast on my ear._

_Please do not, it would be a terrible shame,_

_I have much to live for, I will recant,_

_For I sell this fabric to glorious dames,_

_I'm the pantyhose penny merchant!_

Light left center street and his father took the place. He jived in as he walked. He then burst into song :

_Hey, move your motor,_

_I feel pretty,_

_I'm a floater _

_And feel giddy._

_Got my 'fro,_

_Now got to go,_

_And say land ho!_

_Do the disco jive._

Matsuda then stepped forth and grabbed Light's father by the arm. He whispered to the chief in extreme apology, his blush melting down his face, "I'm sorry, chief."

_You! _

_You! It was you!_

_You are the thief of my glorious spandex!_

_Cut thin and tight, like texas you're annexed!_

_Now you look like a tiger or a giant t-rex_

_Where and when did you reach your apex?_

_Will you make my day, huh? Will you tex?_

_But if you don't then we'll do calculus!_

The chief looked at Matsuda.

_What? What are talking about?_

_Are you a nun? Are you devout?_

_You look like a catholic, look at that habit!_

_Makes sense now, you could be a rabbit!_

_You're dressed so immaculate,_

_Even without spandex, it still fits._

Matsuda blushes.

_Oh, kind sir, you're not really a cur,_

_But if I can strip you, I can get at my spandex!_

_Don't worry, I'm a professional,_

_I have plenty of tricks._

_For what could be under_

_That sweaty white vest?_

_I have to wonder,_

_A Beegee's Chest?_

_You could be a regular,_

_At half price, a favorite customer_

_Of mine! You're so divine,_

_Just like Johnny Cash._

Light steps forward.

_What? What are you saying now?_

_He's my customer, you stupid fugly cow!_

_I treat him right every night,_

_I take my fabric and model him tight._

_So go take a hike, you great ugly witch,_

_Because this disco man is my bitch._

The disco man disagrees

_What are you sayin'_

_Is that a threat?_

_I ain't layin_

_To make a bet!_

_Take your rayon,_

_Take your silk,_

_Go buy crayons,_

_Go buy milk!_

_I'm a groovy kind of guy, _

_Don't have any time,_

_Dancin' the stage,_

_Steppin' in time,_

_Now get on ya' feet,_

_Ever' body get on you' feet._

_Help me now, _

_Work it! Work it!_

_Don't leave me hanging!_

_Come on ever'body!_

_Move your motor,_

_I feel pretty,_

_Locomotion's_

_Got me giddy,_

_I' got my 'fro_

_Now got to go_

_And dance that beat,_

_Do the disco jive!_

Light and his father run into the building.

Matsuda is left alone.

_This is the story of my life._

_Full of hookers and he-wives._

_I have to deal with everyone,_

_Breathing down my shoulders and having fun at my_

_Business that's affordable every night at two,_

_I'm ready for action, how about you?_

Matsuda dances off stage.

He shook a few times before exited the sidewalk. The people, who were still standing and not on the ground laughing, applauded. The task force quickly ran back into the building. L sat in his chair smiling maliciously. Matsuda looked at him and spoke quickly. "L, no one cracked." L smiled. "I didn't expect anyone to, but it was fun to watch. Look at the rave reviews everyone is getting! You're fabulous, darling, everyone of you…except Matsuda, you just creep me out."

Matsuda sighed and walked away to change. Light smiled. He announced talking to himself. "I did do good didn't I? I don't even act." L interrupted him. "That's Kira, sic'cem boys." Light whipped around. "What? What are talking abo… Hey let me go!!!"

Light was arrested, tried and electrocuted.

Matsuda got to keep his costume,

And L laughed his ass off upstairs.

The End.

Seriously, Tell Acerbus what you think. Or he'll come for you.


End file.
